Put out the bunting, dust down your best china, polish your front doorsteps. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are gracing shabby old Blighty with their presence, and we’re all supposed to be cock-a-hoop.

What’s more, they are bringing their children, Archie and Lilibet. Truly, our cup runneth over. 

Oh, except wait: perhaps they aren’t. Apparently, they are threatening to leave the kids in California if the Palace doesn’t acquiesce to their latest demand. 

Emotional blackmail? The Sussexes? Heaven forfend. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Honestly, do they take us for complete saps?

Do they think that after all the things they have said and done to undermine the institution of the Royal Family, after all the accusations of racism, after all the mithering about their dreadful lot in life (you know, the lavish wedding, hot and cold running staff, houses, tiaras etc), that the British public is going to roll out the red carpet as though none of that happened?

To be fair, Harry has always professed his affection for the homeland. ‘You know I love my country. I always have done despite what some people in the country have done,’ he said in a recent interview. 

I don’t doubt he is sincere. But actions speak louder than words, and I’m afraid he and the duchess have not exactly flown the flag for Britain since their departure in 2020 at the height of the Covid pandemic.

‘Existing, not living’ – wasn’t that how Meghan described life in the UK? Hmm. There are plenty of people who would have given their right arm to live her existence. This country welcomed her with open arms and open hearts, and she threw it all back in our faces. It’s quite insulting, when you think about it.

Just because something’s not quite how you imagined, it doesn’t mean you have to tear it down. Sometimes, it takes time to find a level – it certainly took the Princess of Wales a while. And now look at her. Same with Queen Camilla.

The love, respect and admiration of the public aren’t automatic – they have to be earned.

The Duchess of Sussex managed barely 18 months before throwing in the towel and detonating her ‘truth bombs’.

But what she and Harry failed to realise during their war of attrition against those they left behind is that, for many, the Royal Family is Britain. For all its faults, it’s one of this country’s institutions that many still hold dear.

Trashing it the way they did was, in the minds of many, tantamount to treason.

That said, who could begrudge a son a reconciliation with his father, and who could deny a grandfather the chance to spend precious time with his grandchildren? 

Having recently lost my own father, there comes a point in life where you realise that the person you have fought against so hard for so long may not be around for very much longer. The need to make your peace before it is too late becomes pressing.

It would be a tragedy if the King, who is receiving treatment for cancer, were to become seriously ill before he and Harry had a chance to settle their differences.

That is the reason the Palace has ‘reached out’ to the couple, and the reason they have been afforded concessions as to their future relationship with the Royal Family.

The late Queen made it clear that the Sussexes could not be ‘half in, half out’, meaning that if they wanted to earn money from commercial interests, they could not do so using the royal brand. 

Their response was to leave and sell their story to the highest bidder, with devastating consequences.

And yet ‘half in, half out’ seems to be precisely the new arrangement the Palace has brokered.

The plan now is that the duke and duchess will be treated as de facto working members of the Royal Family when visiting Britain, while remaining free to flog their pseudo-royal brand in America and elsewhere. Talk about having their cake and eating it.

For the Prince and Princess of Wales, and certain other members of the family, this will be a bitter pill to swallow. They, who have always played by the rules, who have never put a foot wrong and who have been the butt of many of Harry outbursts, must now watch these two entitled brats rewarded with magnanimity. Truly no good deed goes unpunished.

But the Sussexes are proof that, if you make enough of a nuisance of yourself, you eventually get your own way. Especially if those who love you despite it all are kind and forgiving people who don’t just see life through the prism of their own selfish desires.

But just because they’ve worn down the King and senior courtiers doesn’t mean the rest of us have to be so conciliatory.

Of course, one should be respectful of the monarch’s judgment and mindful that there are small children involved – but the idea that there will be much rejoicing in the land is fantastical.

There will be some fawning, of course, from the usual quarters. But I reckon most people will feel a bit miffed that, after everything, they will still get the royal treatment. I certainly will.

Getting kitted out in designer clobber is one of the perks of being a hot young actor. 

But Connor Storrie, star of Heated Rivalry, might have wished for a slightly cooler reception at last week’s Men’s Fashion Week in Paris. 

Inexplicably, YSL dressed him in a see-through plastic mac and knee-length PVC socks. 

Poor fellow looked like one of those roast-in-the-bag chickens you get in Tesco. 

But the oddest look was Sharon Stone, who was almost unrecognisable. Nowt so queer as fashion folk!

Another week, another deeply distressing insight into how far standards in the health service have fallen. 

The Ockenden report into Nottingham University Hospitals NHS Trust revealed a staggering level of medical misogyny, which led to the deaths of 156 infants and six mothers. 

In particular, it highlighted how ‘a tragic quest for a normal birth’ led to women and babies suffering and dying. 

There is no such thing as a ‘normal birth’. Women’s bodies are not machines. There is no judgment in the delivery room, or shouldn’t be. Those responsible MUST be held to account.

If Bridget Phillipson thinks that being called ‘spiteful’ is bad, she should try some of the insults my ex-husband had to endure from her side of the benches when he was education secretary.

‘Miserable pipsqueak’, ‘Demented Dalek on speed’ and (my personal favourite) ‘foetus in a jar’ (from ‘national treasure’ Sandi Toksvig) are just some of the more printable ones. 

By comparison, she gets off lightly.

Why is the Government pressing ahead with this puberty blocker trial when we already have a cohort of 9,000 individuals who passed through the Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust’s Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) before its closure, many of whom were treated with these drugs? 

Surely they are the ones best placed to provide concrete information on long-term health outcomes? 

After all, why experiment on healthy children when we’ve already devastated the lives of so many? 

Joggers: a polite request. Please can you refrain from spraying your sweat all over the pavements and innocent passers-by in this infernal weather?

It’s bad enough basting in my own juices without having to endure yours.

The Green Party is proposing giving ‘all workers who menstruate’ extra time off. 

Don’t they mean ‘women’?