Estimated reading time: 16 minutes

Hi Doc,

I was reading the letter from the woman who wanted to help her brother find love, and I found myself relating to far more of it than I expected.

I’d consider myself a kind, supportive and reasonably successful person. My work and volunteering involve helping others, and even my main hobby involves supporting people develop similar skills. I’m educated, physically fit, take care of my appearance, and have spent a considerable amount of time around women. I’ve had essentially no romantic success.

The line “Women just don’t like me like that” really struck a nerve, because that is exactly how it feels to me.

I read your response and the comments underneath it, but I couldn’t see an obvious explanation that seemed to fit my situation. I don’t subscribe to the idea that the problem is simply that I “don’t love myself”, and I’ve even had myself assessed for autism. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something else going on, but I’ve never been able to identify exactly what it is.

The biggest problem is that I have absolutely no idea how women perceive me.

I have several female friends who speak very highly of me, so I assume I must be someone they generally like, trust and enjoy spending time with. I’ve had plenty of compliments about my appearance and character, too, but they’ve never come from women who are romantically interested. I’ve also spent countless hours one-to-one with women, including in their own homes, and I’m confident that there was no romantic interest involved. Yet the fact that they’re happy to spend that much time with me presumably means they feel safe and comfortable in my company. When I’m out socially, I’m also quite often accompanied by women.

This makes the lack of romantic interest all the more difficult to understand.

Dating seems to be a recurring topic, despite the fact that I tend to avoid discussing my own love life. Friends will ask whether I’m seeing anyone or whether I’m interested in someone. They’ll say I’m a “great guy” and that woman “are interested in” me. Even complete strangers have occasionally assumed that one of my female friends and I are a couple and asked whether we’re dating. None of these friends ever introduce me to anyone they think I may be compatible with.

The strange thing is that I regularly go to places with my friends and have become a familiar face at many of them, yet there are women I’ve seen for years who have never once spoken to me. Even with the “social proof” of being accepted and comfortable around other women, I still seem to be kept at arm’s length. The only time I seem able to get past that barrier is when circumstances give us a reason to interact.

Last week, for example, I was asked to run a workshop with one of the hobby groups I regularly attend, but at a different location. It wasn’t work as such, but I was in a position of leading the activities. Every woman there was receptive towards me. They smiled, started conversations, laughed at my jokes and seemed genuinely pleased to have me around. What made this particularly strange was that I already knew two of them, as I’d been seeing them regularly at a social setting for roughly six months. We have mutual acquaintances and had often found ourselves standing near one another, yet neither of them had ever spoken to me. Put us in this different environment, however, and suddenly they were making a point of talking to me whenever they had the opportunity. They behaved as though we’d known each other for ages, and they even said they looked forward to seeing me at the original location.

But it also doesn’t matter, because even if these interactions go well, there’s no hint of them wanting to get to know me beyond that.

I’ve been told on a couple of occasions that I’m “intimidating”, which is something I genuinely don’t understand. I take care of myself, dress well and have no difficulty walking into a social environment and interacting with people. But I’m not especially physically imposing, nor do I believe I project some obvious “stay away from me” attitude.

So I’m left with what feels like a strange contradiction. I don’t think women dislike me. Quite the opposite: women seem to like me, trust me, feel comfortable around me and, when circumstances bring us together, can be extremely receptive. What I can’t seem to understand is why that rarely translates into women wanting to get to know me outside of those circumstances, or seeing me as someone they might be romantically interested in.

Catch Of The Day

I don’t want to sound like I’m dismissing your problems, CotD, but it’s not really a surprise that someone else’s specific situation doesn’t answer the question of what’s going on with yours. They’re an entirely different person, whose circumstances are uniquely theirs, just as your situation is uniquely yours. While there may be overlap, there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution simply because every problem is ultimately about the individual.

It’s a little like when people complain about how they do “everything right” and still struggle; this presumes a deterministic universe where there are universal “rules” that apply to everyone at all times and following those rules produces the exact same outcome. This is why there’re some best practices, but everyone ultimately needs to figure out what approach works for them, specifically.

Now, that having been said: there’re some things that come up fairly frequently, and I see a few signs of those in your letter.

Let’s start with the most obvious: the frustration that comes from folks who assume that you must be popular with the ladies when you’re demonstrably… not. As annoying as it can be, it’s also very simple to explain: they’re responding to the slice of your life that they actually are there to witness. They know you as a person, they see you with your friends, they witness your behavior when you’re out with them and so they draw conclusions based on what they’re seeing, while not considering what they don’t see. They aren’t seeing your interactions with folks when they’re not around, nor do they have unlimited 24/7 access to your life or what’s going through your head, so they don’t have as complete a picture as you would.

Observant souls might notice that this is the same sort of cognitive bias that leads to folks assuming that “bad boys” who treat women like crap get dates because they’re horrible people. They’re jumping to conclusions, basing their beliefs off assumptions and inferences and biased interpretations that mostly serve to confirm someone’s priors.

I’m just saying…

Anyway, the fact that your friends make these comments doesn’t mean that they’re lying or incorrect; they simply know you and they’re inferring based on what they can see and how they feel about you.

But that applies as much to you as it does to your friends – you’re assuming universal applicability and deterministic outcomes when those don’t exist. It is entirely possible, for example, for people to love you platonically but not romantically. It’s possible for people to enjoy your company, to appreciate you, like having you around and feel safe with you, but without falling in love. That doesn’t mean that anyone is doing anything wrong; it means that they don’t feel that way for you, and likely for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with your worth or value as a person.

If you’re fully capable of having close platonic friendships with women who don’t trip your breakers romantically, it should stand to reason that the same applies to them. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with your friends that keeps you from falling in love; it simply means that it just isn’t happening. And that’s ok! If you were catching feelings for everyone of your preferred gender, that would imply that you’re not really into them because they’re them, specifically.

It’s also important to note that the fact that these women in your life love your company and feel perfectly safe with you is in part because they know you. That level of trust and connection was built over the time you’ve spent with them and the friendship you grew together. That’s not going to automatically transfer to other people just because. Trust and connection has to be cultivated and earned with new people. This doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong with other folks, simply that you seem to be expecting more from relationships that don’t have the same history – or any history, really. Love at first sight doesn’t really exist; attraction does, limerence does, but those aren’t the same thing.

(And frankly, limerence tends to be more about the person feeling it, rather than anything inherent to the limerent object.)

As a general rule, we don’t start relationships with people we just met, regardless of how hot we think they may be when we first meet them.

So your first issue is one of assumptions and a fallacy of composition; what is true for some folks doesn’t mean that it’s going to automatically apply to everyone.

The second issue is one of action. Attraction is a verb, not just a noun, and building attraction is something that you do, not something that just happens. A big part of what you seem to be struggling with is that you’re waiting for it to happen instead of participating in the process.

This is something that comes up a lot, especially in letters from guys; guys will list the ways they tick all the ‘right’ boxes and then wonder why Saturday night is still the loneliest night of the week. And the answer is simple: ticking boxes isn’t how attraction is born. The fact that you meet certain criteria or feel like you reach certain standards is nice, but that doesn’t actually mean anything if you don’t put it into practice.

To be incredibly reductive for a moment, a product for sale doesn’t inherently sell itself through quality alone. It doesn’t matter how high the quality may be if that product is sitting on a shelf with other, similar products that are of relatively similar quality. If there’s nothing to make it stand out, then it gets lost in a sea of other products that seem to be about the same. If there isn’t any attempt to draw people’s attention to the product, to help them see the difference between this product and that one and why this product is better, then you are hoping that random chance will let people know it even exists and then that they’ll be motivated enough to pick that product over all the others.

And while other products of worse quality may leap off the shelves, that isn’t a mark on their superiority, it’s a mark of how those products have been sold to people. They stand out, they market themselves to their audience, they make it known that they are there and here’s why people should be buying it. Your product may be superior to everything else on the shelves, but you have to make that case to other people first. Otherwise, they have no real incentive to check yours out. Even if other people aren’t really satisfied by the product they’ve been buying and would love yours more if they gave it a shot. But the supposedly inferior product has inertia and familiarity on its side; it’s the known quantity, and what they think of when they are reaching for that type of product. You need to catch their eye, and then you have to give them a reason to try it and see why it’s better than what they’re used to.

Maybe people would choose your product if they knew about it or were given reasons to seek it out. But if you’re hoping to just put it out for sale and the market would find it on its own… well, as you’ve seen, you’re going to be waiting for a long, long time.

And just to beat this particular metaphor into the ground, you can’t just mention once that hey I have this new product for sale, come check it out. It often takes repeated exposure to your marketing before people actively take note – a rule of thumb in the marketing world is that people need to encounter or interact (also called “touch points” in marketing cirles) with something between 7 and 20 times before they buy. This is often spread among multiple different forms – social media ads, word of mouth from trusted sources, search engine results, influencers hyping it up, reviews, etc.  

To drag this back to a dating context: you have to be active in putting yourself out there, not just showing up and hoping for the best. You have to market yourself and be proactive in your attempts to attract people – to help folks encounter those touch points. Those touch points, in this case (and to just really extend this metaphor to the breaking point) includes social proof (folks seeing you with your friends), word of mouth (friends talking you up to others) but also actively promoting yourself and showing why people should be interested in you. And to be frank, I see a lot of signs of passivity in your letter. You say that your friends say “women are interested in you”? OK… have you asked them who, or if they mean “probably are”? People assume you’re dating your friends, but have you or your friends corrected them with the understanding that you’re single and looking? None of your friends have introduced you to anyone? OK… have you asked them to do so? Or are you hoping that they’ll take it upon themselves to do it without your saying so. Have you considered that a lot of folks are hesitant to do without express permission because it can be incredibly presumptive and fraught with all sorts of potential fallout?

If you haven’t asked for help – and what sorts of help you want in particular – they can’t know that this is something that you want, or what kind of help they could offer. They may not know anyone who’s single and looking or would be a good match for you, and so they don’t offer… but they might be able to help in other ways, if you asked. The friends who don’t have any single people to hook you up with might be able to go and be your wing or give you advice in ways that you might be putting people off, but they aren’t likely to offer without your express interest.

The thing is: they almost certainly don’t know that these are things that you want, because you avoid discussing your own love life. So you’re assuming that they’re going to, what, read your mind? Spontaneously offer to help when you haven’t indicated that this is something that you want – an offer that people might take offense to if it were made unprompted?

The same goes with being told that you’re “intimidating”. Ok, did you ask for examples, or any follow-up questions? If you didn’t, then you’re left trying to fill in blanks for yourself, since people are less likely to offer up examples without an invitation, for fear of being rude or mean.

You say that you don’t believe that you’re projecting “do not disturb” vibes or coming off as imposing, but I think we can agree that maybe you’re not the most objective judge of how you’re coming off to others. You aren’t intimidating to yourself, but you’re also not trying to interact with yourself, so it’s better to ask the people who think you may be intimidating as to what they are seeing that you’re missing.

If they don’t know this is a thing you would want, they can’t help. If you don’t tell them how you want them to help, they may not know what to offer. So, you have to be willing to speak up and say what you need. The reason why many people don’t get what they wish for is that they don’t ask in the first place.

This applies to the people you see at the various workshops and other events. You’re seemingly shocked that people are interacting with you when they have reason to interact with you, but not when they don’t, despite your being a familiar presence. Well… have you given them a reason? Those two women you mention were talking to you and interacting with you in part because you were leading the activities. You were both participating, and so they participated with you. When you’re just standing around otherwise, you’re not giving them any indication that you want to talk to them or that you’re even interested in having a conversation with someone. And considering how some men can be when it comes to women making the first move, they have every reason to assume “ok, don’t say anything” as the default choice.

This is the same mistake that every wallflower makes at a dance or a party; if you’re busy holding up the wall and not being an active participant, people are far less likely to spontaneously try to bring you in. You’re certainly welcome to wait for a particularly outgoing person to adopt you as a project, as it were, but as you’ve seen, that means that you’re going to be doing a lot more waiting and a lot less participating.

So if you want to have that sort of familiarity and that sort of interaction with people, you have to participate. You have to take the initiative, even if it’s just saying “hey, how’s it going?” to get the conversation started.

And this is also where the “be willing to market yourself” comes in to play. The idea that there’s no hint that they want to get to know you is also contingent on whether you can give them reason to want to get to know you better. In this case, marketing yourself means demonstrating why people should want to get to know you – what is it about you that makes it worth getting to know you? What can you show people that would make them decide that you’re someone they want to hang out with? Are you a fun conversationalist? Do you make people laugh with your wit and verve? Do you help people have fun? Do you do things to help people feel good – whether that’s arranging the fun activities, performing or otherwise doing things that affect how people feel?

If you aren’t, then you’re hoping that people are going to somehow divine those traits out of the ether, which is right back to the “one product on a massive shelf of other, identical products” situation.

And that’s context-dependent, too. To go back to the project you were leading, with the two women you mentioned. If their interaction with you has been in the project leader, then that’s an entirely different context than another member of that community, even if you’re a regular. Think of how many times you’ve wanted to get to know a professor or teacher who was teaching your class; how many times did you go up to them to shoot the shit and get to know them as a person? Or did you see them as being somewhat separate from your social circles and kept those two sides distinct from one another?

If you want to be more social and to have more connections with people, you’re going to have to be proactive about it. You’re going to have to be an active participant, who’s showing what makes you awesome and why they should want to get to know you. That means you’re going to have to make more first moves than the ones you are currently making which seems to be… well, zero.

And that’s across the board – asking for what you want or need from your friends instead of hoping they’ll just offer. Expressing how you feel without hoping they’ll intuit it somehow or ask first. Making the first move to get to know someone instead of hoping that they will be so moved by your mere presence that they’re going to overlook your seeming lack of interest and risk “bothering” you instead.

It all comes down to this: shooters shoot, and you’re not shooting. You are a noun when you need to be a verb. You’re not making moves, you’re not showing what you have to offer and you’re not giving people reasons to want to date you. That’s your job. If you aren’t going to sell yourself to people, they’re not going to know that you’re even for sale, never mind whether they might be interested.

Stop waiting for circumstances and start making circumstances happen. Until then, you’re just going to be standing around doing nothing and wondering why nothing is changing.

Good luck.