"I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed." 😶View Entire Post ›
There are insults, and then there are roasts so ruthless that they don't just shut down the conversation — they make the recipient reconsider every life decision that led them to that moment. It's not every day that you have to whip out one of those zingers, but it's always good to have a few on hand. Redditor u/kamal_dot_one_ai recently asked, "What's the most brutally savage one- or two-line roasts you've ever heard that made someone go completely silent?" and it's safe to say this comment section did not come to play.
Here are 36 roasts for those moments when "being the bigger person" just ain't in the cards:
1.
"Surgery RN here. I once had a senior resident tell a junior resident that 'working with him was like working alone, but harder.'"
2.
"I'm adopted, as my parents thought they couldn't conceive, then they had two kids after me. One of my siblings was once giving me shit about being adopted, and my mom said, 'Zip it, he's the only one we planned for. You're both accidents.' Shut that shit down real fast lol."
—smutketeer
"Adopted, too. Once told my sibling, 'They picked me out. They were stuck with you.'"
—SLiverofJade
3.
"I was a barman at a music venue and after this one band had finished their first 'song,' a lone voice from the crowd called out, 'Was that on purpose?'"
—gary_human
4.
"My parents' house has this one sliding door between the living room and a couple of back rooms, including an office that my brother uses. He is famous for never shutting the door, which drives my Mom nuts. Anyways, one day he comes through and leaves it open again. My Dad said: 'Hey, that door ain't an asshole, you know. It doesn't just close automatically every time a piece of shit comes through.' He meant it as a joke, and we all laughed like hell when he said it."
—mydreamturnip
5.
"I remember hearing one years ago that said, 'I bet when people ask your parents about you, they change the subject.'"
—Magillionaire
6.
"I used to be a manager at a sporting goods store. We had a guy named Will that was lazy as hell. One day, I heard my coworker over the headset call him 'Won’t' because he 'won’t do a damn thing around here,' and I died laughing."
7.
"A supervisor in my office told a staff member, 'I’m not trying to be a dictator,' and the staff member said, 'Maybe not the tator part.'"
—odgeweiser
8.
"Back when I was single, I was at work talking to some managers about a job I was working on. One of the ladies from purchasing came into the office. She was pretty intolerable and not well-liked. She interrupted and started prying into details about my dating life. I was hesitant to share any details, but she was insistent. I reluctantly told her I was single. She immediately insisted that I date her daughter. I politely declined, but she wouldn't let it go. Finally, she angrily asked, 'Why don't you want to date my daughter?!?' I calmly said, 'Because I don't want you to be my mother-in-law.' My manager nearly fell over. She stood there absolutely stunned, jaw on the floor. After a long pause (meanwhile, my manager is uncontrollably wheezing), she said, 'I can tell you honestly mean that.' She turned around and left the office, and I achieved legendary status that day."
—DaagTheDestroyer
9.
"This is why everyone talks about you when you leave the room."
—Pr0bl3mChild
10.
"I once told a guy who was complaining about not having a girlfriend that 'It's not enough to find women attractive. You have to like them too.' That shut him up real quick."
—Android17infinibussy
11.
“I like how you don’t let facts get in the way of your opinions.”
13.
"I went to my hometown after 30 years with another friend. At the first bar, a kid from high school who was a bit of a bully walked up and was a wise ass in front of his friends. Before I could say something, my friend said, 'I’m sorry, you are going to have to remind me of your name?' Simple. Polite. Gut punch."
14.
"Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?"
—etham
15.
"Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder."
—callisstaa
16.
"My favorite. Allegedly, Lady Nancy Astor once told Winston Churchill, 'If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.' He responded, 'Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.'"
—Malthus17
17.
"My daughter said this to me last week: 'I keep forgetting how much of an asshole my mom is, but she loves reminding me.' I’m the dad. Her mom is my ex-wife. I laughed a little but stayed respectful."
18.
"Had a roommate who loved to hear himself talk. Self-declared genius who acted like he was God's gift to Earth. One day, when he was babbling on one of his half-hour-long rants, he said something along the lines of, 'Some people do small talk, but I'm more of a speech maker.' I replied, 'Well, brevity IS the soul of wit.' Completely flew over his head."
—rayburno
19.
"Was playing 2K (basketball video game) with a friend, and things ended up getting heated per usual. They said my friend had bad breath, and he replied with 'Shut up, all of your siblings have different dads.'"
—TheManDont
21.
"My surgery attending told the resident, 'If there’s a way, you’re in it.'"
—tryingtobeadoctor22
22.
"If your mom and dad got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
—Elweirdotheman
23.
"I'm flying a mission coming back from Afghanistan, and we're over the Atlantic. We'd had to fly commercial, and one of my co-pilots (a Cuban-American via way of Miami) is ranting and raving about how TSA took his volcanic ash facial scrub, and it was $50, and he needs it for his complexion, and finally, I just turn to him and say, 'I have a boyfriend and I am the second gayest man on this jet.'"
24.
"You have two brain cells, and they're both busy looking out for the other.”
—Dangerous-Project672
26.
"Oooh. That’s a brave haircut."
29.
"I was loudly singing 'New York, New York' by Frank Sinatra when my friend asked, 'Who sings that?' I was silently judging her for seeming not to know. 'Frank Sinatra,' I replied. Then, she hit me with, 'Let's keep it that way.' It stunned me, and then I fell over laughing my ass off."
—fixurstuffr
30.
"My sister was jokingly bullying my mother about something the other day. I said, 'Wow, you literally created your own biggest bully.' Her response? 'Everybody makes mistakes.'"
—Heatherhef712
31.
"She had calves only a cow could love."
32.
"Does your ass ever get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?"
—Zyhre
33.
"'I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed' has always stuck with me."
—Digi_Dingo
34.
"I saw another post on Reddit where someone was asking why the strawberries they put in the freezer were suddenly covered by white crystals. Someone replied, 'Don't worry, your second week on Earth will be a lot less terrifying.'"
—OQS
35.
"You have this habit of continually reaffirming my first impression of you."
—Musicola
And finally:
36.
"After hearing that opinion, I can only assume you were a very slippery baby."
Mic.
Drop.
Hopefully, there's no one in your life who's deserving of these insults, but if the occasion ever does arise...which one are you reaching for? And if you've ever delivered (or been on the receiving end) of another brutal roast, drop it below so we can add to the arsenal. 😈
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Спутники
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