I wish I were the kind of mom who could lie and say, “She’s doing fine.” Instead, I find myself either blurting out the truth like my neighbor, or just completely shutting down.

We are not alone. According to the World Health Organization, one in seven adolescents grapples with mental health issues, particularly depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among those aged 15 to 29. No wonder so many folks with challenging parenting journeys don’t know how to respond when well-meaning friends and family, colleagues and acquaintances ask, “How’s your kid doing?”

That can be a seriously loaded question, says Samantha Quigneaux, the National Director of Family Therapy Services for Newport Healthcare and a parent herself.  “When your child is struggling, there’s so much pressure, and that question can really unleash this guilt or shame or grief in parents,” she says. “You’re not only thinking about your kid, but the impact their struggling has on you, your partner, your other children, the entire family.”

What Parents of Struggling Kids Want to Hear

Frances (whose name, like that of all parents and kids in this piece, has been changed for the sake of privacy) knows the intensity of parenting pressure firsthand. “I’ve got two kids who are not easy to talk about, let’s put it that way,” she says about Emma, 20, who is “neurodiverse and trans and struggling with the demands that society places on young adults,” and 16-year-old Liam, who’s “in a therapeutic boarding program and much more complex: ASD, multiple learning disabilities, some mental health challenges.”

While Frances jokes that the query she dreads most is, “So, what kind of internship does your kid have this summer?” she says she’s less concerned about the content of a question than its context.
“What is the intent? Is the person asking so they can gloat about their kid’s accomplishments, or is this somebody who really, genuinely cares about me and my kids?” she explains.

“I have a friend whose kid is homeless, and another friend whose kid is neurodiverse, trans, a victim of sexual assault and a drug user, so I am careful with my questions because I want to be supportive,” she adds. So she chooses to ask things like, “How are you doing? How can I support you? Are you taking care of yourself?”

Likewise, she wonders about questions she receives from those who know her and her situation. “Are you trying to find out about my kid, or are you trying to find out how you can support me as the parent? Because I need the support,” she says. “There’s still this stigma around mental health challenges, and then there is the guilt and shame that we as parents feel about our kids who are struggling.”

Lynn, whose 15-year-old Coco has severe learning disabilities and mental health diagnoses, says being doubted by her peers is what upsets her most.

“Back when this started, we were in full panic mode,” she recalls. “I have a really powerful memory of mustering up the courage to describe what was happening to one of my closest friends, who had a daughter 10 days after my daughter was born.” But she was dismissive, says Lynn.

How Confiding Selectively Can Help

Laura Lyles Reagan, a family sociologist and parent-teen communications coach, recommends parents be selective about who they open up to and how much they reveal.

“Some people who ask about your kids just want the obligatory ‘fine.’ They want to know that they asked so that they don’t seem too self-centered,” she says. “When I know someone cares, I can speak the truth if they know my daughter — if it’s a truth that she has said it’s okay to share. She has told me if it will help someone, I can share about her depression.” She says her basic tenet is one she learned as a recovering alcoholic: “If it’s my news to tell, then I can share it. If it’s not my news to tell, I don’t share.”

Of course, when a child is in crisis, that impacts the entire family. Reagan says if a parent is compelled to talk about what’s going on, they should make the boundaries clear. “Ask for total confidentiality,” she says. “You need to create that safe space in order to share.”

As for how to deflect unwanted inquiries about a child’s well-being, Reagan suggests turning the question around to something like: “‘We’re making our way through. I appreciate your concern. It seems like it’s really important to you. I’m wondering if there’s something going on for you that you’re so focused on this?’ We project our realities onto others. So how we communicate reveals a lot about ourselves.”

Quigneaux is also a fan of “redirecting” the conversation.

“I think a lot of parents are worried about being disingenuous, but we don’t owe anything to other people,” she says. “It’s okay to keep yourself safe and sane. If those questions come from someone you don’t really know, you can be very vague.” If someone asks, “How’s your child doing?” she suggests you might say, “We’re really excited about their birthday coming up,” or share an update about what your family did recently. “With more intimate relationships, you can be honest,” she says, “but that doesn’t mean that anybody’s entitled to details. Just keep it brief and concise.”

That said, Quigneaux understands there are times parents need to talk. “Families that are struggling often feel like they’re alone, that no one else is going through the same pain and anguish,” she says. “I definitely encourage families to find groups and resources to get the support they deserve. You need to take care of yourself, too.”

And, as with so much in life, timing is everything. “I can’t tell you how often I’ve wished I had a sign over my head that let people know when it was okay to ask about my kid and when it wasn’t,” says Natalie, whose path with 20-year-old Joshua has included multiple diagnoses, various types of therapies and treatments, psych hospitalizations and residential treatment. “I don’t dread any question as much as the follow-up,” especially if she answers honestly and is then met with a dismissive response.

But what irks Natalie most is people who jump to problem-solving. “Even my dearest friends will be like, ‘Well, what about trying a sticker chart,’ that type of thing. Do you really think that if my child is going away to residential school that we haven’t already tried a family contract? That’s insulting.”

Natalie says she’s “trained” those close to her to ask, “What do you need right now? Do you need to vent?” Such questions, she says, can make a really big difference in how you respond, and if you want to respond.